March 22, 2011 is one for the history books.
Today was tough.
Losing a child is so hard.
So painful. So..... empty.
Watching your child suffer this loss is nearly unbearable.
I have never been able to verbalize my thoughts on early infant loss versus miscarriage due to lack of personal experience.
Until now.
(And I still have no direct personal experience with miscarriage, as in, I've never actually had one. Does a grandchild count?)
Infant loss, I do know.
I held my baby.
I saw that he was a boy.
I gazed into his dark blue eyes.
I smelled that new baby smell that is irresistible and unforgettable and universal....
(He has a name....Clint...)
I never had to wonder if he had my nose or his daddy's eyes.
I never had to wonder if he was a new baby son or a new baby daughter. I knew.
He has a name. He has a memorial headstone.
After eighteen years...
...he still has a name.
I would trade places if I could. I would take her pain, her questions, her uncertainty, her emptiness...
I would spare her these feelings in a New York minute, even though the ignorance would surely drive me mad.
But, I can't.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I find the "what ifs" to be hard, too. Was it multiples? (I suspect so.) Boy or girl? Did it grow at all? When was it over? Yep. It's hard. With the m/c, my life went back to normal. Except everything is different.
ReplyDeletePraying for you all.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to your family sending hugs and prayers your way!!!
ReplyDeletemy heart is with you friend. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to express my sorrow for your family and all your losses. I admire your strength so much!
ReplyDeleteThe bond that we all share as Mothers, is that in order to fill your heart with the love of a child, we must be willing for that same heart to be broken into a million pieces. I can think of nothing harder than the loss of a child, before or after birth. Thank you for sharing your story. It will definately help others who are suffering in silence.
ReplyDelete