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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Thoughts about Loss....






March 22, 2011 is one for the history books.

Today was tough.
Losing a child is so hard. 


So painful.  So..... empty.  

Watching your child suffer this loss is nearly unbearable.


I have never been able to verbalize my thoughts on early infant loss versus miscarriage due to lack of personal experience. 

Until now.  

(And I still have no direct personal experience with miscarriage, as in, I've never actually had one. Does a grandchild count?)  

Infant loss, I do know. 
I held my baby.  

I saw that he was a boy.  

I gazed into his dark blue eyes.  

I smelled that new baby smell that is irresistible and unforgettable and universal....  

(He has a name....Clint...)  

 I never had to wonder if he had my nose or his daddy's eyes.  

I never had to wonder if he was a new baby son or a new baby daughter.   I knew.

He has a name.  He has a memorial headstone.

After eighteen years... 




...he still has a name. 


I would trade places if I could.  I would take her pain, her questions, her uncertainty, her emptiness...

I would spare her these feelings in a New York minute, even though the ignorance would surely drive me mad.

But, I can't.

And that's all I have to say about that.  






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