Fourteen years ago, I was in labor, awaiting the birth of my second child. The nursery was complete, decorated in a blue and mauve floral pattern.
My daughter, 1 1/2, would be sharing her room with her new baby sister. 
Or so we thought.
At 1:51 pm, our son was born.
At least the floral print was blue... 
I remember my Dad telling me that my family was now complete-a girl and a boy.
The following afternoon, our pediatrician came to give the baby an exit exam so we could take him home. She heard a murmur.
She told me that most murmurs were innocent, but she wanted a cardiologist to check him out, just to be sure.
The next afternoon, we met Dr. Stuart Birnbaum. He drew a picture of our son's deformed heart and called it the most complicated anatomy he had ever seen. Thus, we began our journey into the world of CHD.
Our son was moved immediately to NICU for support during his wait for heart surgery.
His diagnosis: HRHS: TA, TGA, COA, ASD, VSD
He was missing his tricuspid valve. His aorta and pulmonary artery were switched. He had a narrowing in his aorta. He had two holes; one between the top chambers and one between the bottom chambers. His right ventricle was hypoplastic, or very small-nearly nonexistent.
Over the next nine weeks, there were many highs and lows. Two closed heart surgeries; two pacemaker implant surgeries; almost going home; pneumonia; staph infection; sepsis; organ failure; and finally, removal of life support.
I remember it like it just happened. Can it really be fourteen years ago???
I remember the sadness, anguish, numbness, and yet, strangely, the lifting of that incredible weight I had been carrying during those weeks...
Those nine weeks were some of the very longest weeks I've lived. I learned a lot about myself during that time.
I can. I am strong. I will remember-always.
I am the person (and the mother) I am, not because of his death, but because he lived!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY CLINT!
James Clint Schaffer
10/26/92-1/2/93
hello, you don't know me,I was just looking at the random blogs tonight and stumbled across your tribute to your son (James Clint). I just wanted to tell you that my heart was touched by your sweet words. God always has me "stumble" across things when I need to and this was no accident tonight. My dear Daughter Rachel was born March 9th, 1992, and like you, I can remember every detail of her birth and all that followed as if it was last week, its amazing how clearly I recall those memories. I have to tell you first that my daughter is still living, and so in that way I can never imagine your sorrow in losing a child, and my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. That is a deepth of sorrow I can not fathom. What I can relate to is the illness. Rachel was born with a rare condition called Billiary Atresia. It causes the bile ducts to become damaged. Her first surgery was done at 2 months in a attempt to make new bile ducts and get the liver functioning. That surgery was not a success and she was put on the waiting list for a donor liver.We waited two long years before she got her liver. She was one of the first in a new surgery where they used one adult donor liver and split it to be used in two children,split liver transplant.(AMAZING stuff) That saved her life, and at this moment she is a pretty healthy "normel" 14 year old. She is taking a anti-rejection med (and will be for life) and she can get sick alot quicker then most kids, but other than that ,some blood tests and every six month specialist appts, she is doing AWESOME. You would never know to look at her that she was ever ill. Which brings me to my point in writing tonight...today was a pretty normal day here,(not normal by most standards but,well you know,lol) . I have a total of 7 children now plus two step-kids on the weekend, I am homeschooling five of those right now, ages 6, 13,14,15,16, and caring for our newest blessing Samantha age 8 months. Today was one of those days though. I just couldn't get myself in gear and I felt like I had done very little. My daughters (14,15,16) were bickering and the baby was fussy when I sent them to bed. I went to the bottem of the stairs before sitting at my desk and heard Rachel and Becca still awake whispering.I almost yelled at them,...but something stopped me. I could tell that they were just sharing their hearts up there,sister to sister. I decided that those precious moments were far more important at that time then my "rules".Then I sat and read your post and tears streamed down my face. In just a few moments my mind was back 14 years ago. All those days of living at the hospital,all the soul-searching. I remembered the moment that I REALLY realized that Rachel was not "mine", and that this wasn't something that I ,as a Mom, could fix. I remembered that she was just a "loan of life" from our dear Father, how that all just sank in , all in one moment. I told God, "she is yours Lord,I place her back in Your tender hands, I can't do this any more, I am thankful for the time you gave me with her and if you want her back with You, I will understand." That was the deepest sorrow and yet the deepest peace I ever felt in my life that day. What a journey that all was. I needed to be reminded of all that tonight. How blessed I am because of this. Thank you for allowing God to speak through you. I hope to read more about your wonderful family in days to come as I also commit to becoming more of a "regular blogger" here. May God Richly Bless you as you continue the journey as a Mother and Women of God.~Carole
ReplyDeleteI know what you're going through. I pray today is a day filled with peace for you & your family.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Amanda in RI
Oh, good...I was going to add you to my friends list (you beat me) I just didn't have the two minutes to do it before!
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxo
Amanda
It is amazing how similar the stories of grieving parents can be--I think it's one of the reasons it is so important to reach out to people who experience a loss!
I remember just like it was yesterday as I read your lovely tribute with tears running down my face. I am so glad we were there and could share in your sorrow. It was heartbreaking and such a difficult time. I miss him.
ReplyDeleteLove, Gina